NGW Breaks Open Sign-Stealing Conspiracy

Once again the crack staff at Nittany Game Week has scored a major coup in investigative journalism. In 2021 we published the SEC officials’ communication transcripts of a bizarrely officiated Penn State-Auburn game.

Now we have obtained leaked information of texts, e-mails and secretly taped conversations exposing explosive inside information that will rock the college sports world forever.

Due to the ongoing investigation and to protect the identity of innocent bystanders some of the names have been withheld and replaced with generic labels.

September 2022 Internal Michigan text messages:

Texts between an unnamed Michigan recruiting assistant (RA) and staff member. 

RA: Just got back from SMU @ Maryland. Only cost me 7 bucks for tickets behind the visitor bench. There were so many empty seats—Hope no one spotted me. I did wear a customized Maryland jersey with a player’s number on it that said “He’s My Cousin” on the back. Hoped to look like a proud family member videoing the game.

Staff Member: They have a bunch of guys signaling in the plays. How do you decode Maryland’s signals?

RA: We feed the video into an AI supercomputer that is run by a group housed under the Denver airport. In an hour we’ll have everything we need.

Staff Member: Under the Denver Airport?

RA: I’ve already said too much.

October 2022 internal e-mails from another Big Ten East team:

This is between two unnamed administrators:

Executive A: E-Mail Subject: Ticket Purchases

“We have discovered repeat purchases by someone named Connor Stallions behind the visiting team bench for all of our home games. This name seems like some suspicious made-up name for a porn actor.”

Executive B: Re: Ticket Purchases

“Connor Stallions does sound weird. That does sound like a guy starring in an X-rated film like Good Will Humping…LOL. Maybe it’s part of that whole Eli Manning/Chad Powers thing that made us look slightly desperate for publicity. Maybe this guy is some kind of influencer. As long as he paid for the tickets we’ll take the money.”

October 2022 Text Message Chain between three Big Ten Head Coaches:

Text from Coach A: U guys hearing anything about sign-stealing from TTUN?

 Note: TTUN is a common acronym for Michigan that stands for That Team Up North.

Text from Coach B: Hearing rumors but nothing for sure

Text from Coach C: Some guy named Connor Stallions keeps buying tix at r games. Not sure what he’s doing here

Coach B: That name seems as suspect as our non-conference schedule

Coach C: Lay off the non-con schedule. Gotta get 3 non-con wins if we want to get bowl eligible

Coach B: We have a chart of Michigan’s signals if you guys want in on that action

Coach C: Send that s*** our way

Coach A: Same here

Coach B: Gotta keep this quiet—wouldn’t want the B1G office to know we’re teaming up on one of their favorite teams—we all know they protect OSU & Michigan

Coach A: Hey—what’s that supposed to mean?

Coach B: Whoops –forgot you were on this text chain. Sorry.

Coach C: Yeah, sorry. But why worry? None of this will ever get out.

Later in October 2022—Internal Michigan text messages:

Between two Michigan coaches and the recruiting assistant.

Coach A: Thanks for the signals last week—Ur intel was dead on

RA: I figured as much.

Coach A: Hard to believe we could run for 400+ against those guys

RA: Not sure if the signals helped THAT much

Coach B: Their offensive signals never changed & that helped

RA: It helps if they don’t change them

Coach A: Most coaches think they’re smarter than everyone—they are 2 dumb/lazy/arrogant to change signals

Coach B: Or their players R so dumb they can’t change them

RA: That’s why this works

Coach A: How did you get so good at this?

RA: Military intelligence background

Coach B: U got these all from TV?

RA: As far as you know—just leave it at that

October 2023 E-mails from Inside the Big Ten Office:

A series of e-mails between three high-level Big Ten executives:

Executive A e-mail: There is a story breaking that Michigan football has stolen signals from other teams.

Executive B: Is that a big deal?

Executive C: It is if they scouted off campus and used video to obtain signals.

Executive A: Is that an NCAA or a Big Ten rule?

Executive C: It is an NCAA rule.

Executive B: Does the NCAA enforce rules anymore?

Executive A: Not really. But we have thirteen other schools’ Presidents, ADs and Football coaches up in arms over this. ESPN is beating this story to death.

Executive C: Why is ESPN slamming us on this?

Executive A: Because we signed with Fox, NBC and CBS. AND Michigan might be good enough this year to win it all. Hell, everyone knows they’ve been protecting the SEC for years. And the more they protect the SEC the more they overcome their ultra-woke image in the South.. Either way the university Presidents are up in arms.

Executive B: University Presidents are wasting time on a sign-stealing issue for football? I would think they have multi-billion operations to run and should let the ADs handle this.

Executive C: Maybe they should have coaches smart enough to change their signals week to week.

Executive A: No matter how we feel the Presidents are involved. Most of them can’t stay away from issues where there is a “moral high ground” to stand on, and they all live to be quoted in the Chronicle of Higher Education. Some of them are aghast to find out that sign-stealing is a thing.

Executive C: Sign-stealing is part of the game. We’ve probably got a bunch of schools doing it. Don’t these Presidents know that?

Executive B: You know how some of these academic types can be—they’ve been semi-coddled their whole careers getting published writing whatever they want and using grant money to do it.

Executive A: And don’t forget they’re looking to distract people from the PR mess so many of them created doing such a bad job wading into the Palestine/Israel issue.

Executive C: If people think that issue is tough, wait until we wade into potentially impacting the OSU/Michigan game.

November 10th, 2023 e-mails among the Michigan administration:

Executive A: So what do we think the Big Ten will do?

Executive B: I just spoke with the commissioner, and they said they’ll wait until after the season and until the NCAA follows due process.

Executive A: The NCAA? Due Process? Ask Penn State how much the NCAA cares about due process.

Executive C: Speaking of Penn State we have a team that is a few hours from getting on a plane for a big game in Happy Valley. What do we tell them?

Executive A: We tell them to proceed as normal. One assumes the Big Ten office won’t create a massive distraction the day before the conference’s biggest game of the year so far.

Executive C: Don’t be too sure of signs of intelligent life on planet Big Ten. We added four west coast teams, didn’t we?

Executive A: Good point, but I still think they’ll wait.

Executive B: Don’t be so sure. I’ve worked at other Big Ten schools. One thing that unites the other 13 schools is their dislike of Michigan and the fabled Michigan arrogance.

Executive A: I’ll bet you a Reuben from Zingerman’s Deli that they don’t do anything.

Executive B: Will you stand in line to get it if you lose that bet?

Executive A: That includes waiting in line.

Executive B: You’re on.

Executive A: I’m just curious--why are you so sure the Big Ten will jump in?

Executive B: No one likes a bully. Jim and our fighting Harbaughs have physically bullied the rest of the league. Jim took a pay cut, then gave his playoff bonus money to staff members who took pay cuts and has openly stated that the NCAA should be giving revenue sharing to athletes. He’s been radicalized. There’s nothing that 13 –soon to be 17—Big Ten schools and the NCAA would like to see more than for Jim to be the new head coach of an NFL team.

November 10th, 2023 transcript of a secretly recorded meeting among Big Ten Executives:

Executive A: We just had another conference call with the Big Ten Presidents. They’re pretty angry.

Executive B: Don’t they know about the double secret founding Big Ten Charter that was overseen by the Freemasons and Reptilian Lizard-people world overlords? It requires us to protect Michigan and the University of Chicago? Maybe we should get a copy from Reptilian Headquarters under the Denver Airport.

Executive C: Wait what? A secret charter?

Executive A: Crap. Hasn’t she been read-in yet on the secret charter and lizard people?

Executive B: No, but you have to tell her now.

Executive A: When the Big Ten was formed in 1896 to get the two powerhouses in football and research of Michigan and Chicago on board a double-secret charter was written ensuring they would get preferential treatment for football and research grants. When Chicago dropped football they then got extra advantages on the academic side.

Executive C: Is that true? And the lizard people are involved?

Executive A: Yes. How else do you explain Chicago’s role in the Manhattan project? Enrico Fermi had lizard people posing as students when they conducted research under Amos Alonzo Stagg Stadium in 1942. Why do you think the Big Ten Championship Trophy was originally named the Stagg-Paterno Trophy? Both Stagg and Paterno were Lizard people.

(Editor’s Note: In the interest of full disclosure our writer Jay Paterno was not aware that he was potentially half reptilian until seeing this transcript. We are currently attempting to verify the information)

Executive C: Really? Why was Paterno at Penn State?

Executive A: He was put there to get him ready to coach Michigan. But he turned it down to stay there. They ended up hiring Bo Schembechler, who was not a lizard person, but was lizard adjacent and was sent a number of lizard people players. The Lizard people also ensured that a constitutional law professor at Chicago named Barack Obama would rise to become President. Oh and before you ask—Obama—lizard people.

Executive C: Are there any other lizard people I should know about?

Executive A: Nick Saban—lizard people. That’s why we got him away from Michigan State. Ed Orgeron may be the most obvious of them all.

(Long Pause)

Executive A: But back to the business at hand. Let’s appease the other thirteen schools. We’ll suspend Jim Harbaugh from being on the field on game days the rest of the “regular season” but he can do everything else. If they get to the Big Ten Title game and the playoff then he can come back.

Executive B: Why only the regular season?

Executive A: It’s simple. Michigan may be good enough to win those games no matter who coaches them. At least by suspending Jim we give those teams and their Presidents a belief that they’ve been given a chance. All we have to say to those Presidents is “We took their coach away. If your coach isn’t good enough to beat them, that’s on you.”

Executive C: That makes sense.

Executive B: And at its core we aren’t violating the charter. And if Jim comes back maybe a Big Ten team can finally win it all.

Executive C: I’ve heard way too much today.

Executive B: Here’s what we’ll do. Michigan takes off this afternoon. Jim will be on the plane. Then we announce our plan while they’re in the air on a day when the courthouses are closed to observe Veteran’s Day. They can file an injunction but by Monday we’ll remind Jim that being in a courthouse might expose the deeper conspiracy and he’ll agree to accept the suspension.

Executive A: Genius plan. Giving hope to the next three opponents, while allowing Jim to maintain control of his team.

Executive B: Indeed. The Reptilians will be happy we’ve handled the missteps of Connor Stallions and Jim Harbaugh without exposing them as descendants of the reptilian lineage.

Executive C: Wait? Jim Harbaugh is part of the lizard people? Are there any other higher life forms in the Big Ten.

Executive A: Just Jim Harbaugh..Oh and Marvin Harison, Junior. Harrison should be obvious to everyone. As for Jim, he was placed there to play quarterback and then brought back to coach. Only a higher life form could have saved Michigan football from itself.

(Editor’s Note: If you haven’t realized it by now…..this is all satire in good fun. Jay Paterno has written two books Paterno Legacy: Enduring Lessons from the Life and Death of My Father and the novel Hot Seat: A Year Inside College Football’s Pressure Cooker. Click here to learn more.